The loss of a child is undoubtedly the hardest path any parent will ever have to travel. If you find yourself on this page, the first thing we want to do is say how sorry we are for your loss and we hope this can at least provide a little help in pointing you in the right direction to find the support and information you need. Our family has experienced this grief so wanted IslandFamilies to be a place where people can visit for information that you might need either as a bereaved parent, or as the family or loved ones trying to help.
We have included information on all aspect from official requirements and financial support to baby loss, grief, support and memories. We also have suggestions for helpful books.
Official requirements
When losing a child, bereaved parents will find it hard to navigate the necessary paperwork which is why we’ve created a list of official requirements. A family member or a good friend could help to make contact and notify the people that need to know.
Every death that occurs in the island must be registered at the Greffe within five working days of the death. More information on the registration of deaths can be found here.
There are financial implications to consider such as funeral arrangements which are addressed in the financial support section below.
Financial support
When in the midst of grief, the last thing parents should have to worry about is money to pay for the funeral or other arrangements. Knowing what financial support you’re entitled to and what charities are out there to help can make a huge difference. It can be something bereaved parents find hard to research so we’ve tried to make sure that the information is here for any loved ones to support them.
The death grant is a one-off lump sum paid by the States of Guernsey to help with the cost of funeral expenses. For the death of a child, the grant can be based on the contribution record of a parent. To make a claim, you should fill in a claim form (BD1) here, which is available by phoning the Pensions & Allowances helpline on 01481 221000.
The wonderful Ernie’s Angels, which was founded in December of 2017 in memory of Ernie who died in September of that year, provides financial assistance via a grant for local families to assist with palliative care and funeral expenses of children within the Bailiwick of Guernsey. While it cannot lessen the pain, the charity’s ethos remains that it wants to show bereaved parents that their community cares. You can contact Ernie’s Angels via Facebook or by email.
Baby loss
Linda Magistris, CEO and Founder of the Good Grief Trust once said that ‘grief can be complicated, but access to support should never be’ and here at IslandFamilies we couldn’t agree more.
The Ivy Trust supports Guernsey parents who have experienced the devastating loss of a baby either during pregnancy or soon after birth.
The Trust understands the importance of making memories and finding ways to remember those babies who weren’t able to make the safe journey from conception to birth.
In 2018 the Ivy Trust extended its support to earlier stage losses and created bags to be gifted to parents who experienced a miscarriage. These were made available to all GP surgeries, the MSG, the Emergency Department and relevant hospital wards. The bags contain items which it hopes will offer comfort and information on the support available, opportunities for remembrance and information on the Ivy Hearts Support Group.
The Sunflower Project offers support for children and young people of school age who have experienced a bereavement in Guernsey. Among other services, they offer one-to-one bereavement support for children and young people aged 7-18 as well as a monthly Sunflower Club for children and young people bereaved of a parent or sibling to access peer support and have fun.
Grief
When it comes to processing grief, it’s important to remember that there is no right or wrong way to grieve and children react differently to adults. Young children usually see death as temporary and reversible whereas slightly older children can start to think more like adults when it comes to death, but they still do not recognise/believe that it could happen to them or anyone they know.
The Sunflower Project, which supports any child of school age, is a local support service for children and young people when they are experiencing a bereavement or someone in the family has a serious illness. It provides information, advice and resources for parents and carers as well as support for children and families together, one-to-one support, and group sessions for children and young people to meet others experiencing similar issues and to find space to have fun and relax.
Children and young people can be referred to the Sunflower Project by anyone, by emailing info@youthcommission.gg
The Guernsey Bereavement Service provides a free confidential, voluntary counselling service with a 24-hour telephone helpline. This unique charity, providing support to those within the Bailiwick who have suffered a significant loss, has trained volunteers from a range of backgrounds, all of whom have experience and give their time freely to help those in need of emotional support at this difficult time.
The service offers help and emotional support to those who have lost a relative or friend, enabling people to face their feelings and work through their grief. Get in touch on 01481 257778 or email.
Child Bereavement UK helps children and young people, parents and families, to rebuild their lives when a child grieves or when a child dies. There is a wealth of information to access including helping yourself with grief, explaining how partners may grieve differently and helping with the death of a grandchild.
Winston’s Wish was the UK’s first childhood bereavement charity and is a wealth of information such as an article on what helps grieving young people.
Support
The Ivy Trust has a closed Facebook group (not publicly accessible to non-members) for parents who have gone through baby loss or miscarriage. The Ivy Hearts (helping empty arms recover through support) group offers support as well as opportunities for regular meet ups, talks from health and well-being professionals and information on options for remembrance through The Ivy Trust.
Memories
“When you have a baby, your instinct is to protect them. When your baby dies your instinct is to protect their memory.”
The Ivy Trust
If your baby has died before they were born or around the time of birth, scan images or photographs can become precious mementos and these may help build a lasting connection with your baby. Foot and handprints, a lock of hair or a written description of what your baby looked like can capture a memory of their life, however short, and can give you a focus for your grief.
The Ivy Trust’s memory boxes are given to parents who experience the death of a baby during pregnancy or soon after birth. These meticulously curated memory boxes provide a safe place to keep precious items and include tangible and memory making items that can help to make some important memories whilst in the hospital together.
The Trust’s Ivy Garden is situated in the grounds of the Princess Elizabeth Hospital and provides a place for reflection and remembrance for parents and families. Copper ivy leaves are provided by the trust in remembrance of those babies who are stillborn or who die soon after birth while the sleeper wall has been dedicated as a place to remember earlier losses with small plaques. Both the ivy leaves and plaques are available to local parents regardless of when the loss occurred.
The Guernsey Sands Memorial Garden in Le Foulon Cemetery is dedicated to the memory of all babies who have died. It is a tranquil place of reflection where families can remember their own baby in peace and is open all year round.
More information on the next Lights of Love service can be found here.
Books
Loss Books is an online store selling personalised books about the loss of a loved one. The books have been written specifically to share with younger children who have lost a sibling, parent or grandparent, to help keep the memory of their lost love one alive using comfortable and safe dialogue and imagery.
Reading a book about death can help children to understand better what has happened and realise that they are not alone in this experience. Some suggested book are:
The Invisible String by Patrice Karst
The Goodbye Book by Todd Parr
Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You by Nancy Tillman
Ida, Always by Caron Levis
I Miss You: A First Look at Death by Pat Thomas
For adults:
Bearing the Unbearable by Joanne Cacciatore
Ask me his Name: Learning to live and laugh again after the loss of my baby by Elle Wright
Saying Goodbye by Zoe Clark-Coates
Life After Baby Loss by Nicola Gaskin
The Grief Garden Path by Julie New
Losing a Son to Suicide by Randall L Stepp
Books for adults (about children):
As Big As It Gets: supporting a child when a parent is seriously ill by Julie Stokes
A Child’s Grief: supporting a child when someone in their family has died by Di Stubbs
Healing Children’s Grief: surviving a parent’s death from cancer by Grace Christ
Grief in Children: a handbook for adults by Atle Dyregrov
Never too young to know: death in children’s lives by Phyllis Silverman